I made a biggest mistake

Actually yesterday there is something happening.

Its all my fault. I know it was my mistakes but i simply can’t take it as my fault.

I don’t know why i am being such a ego and bonker person.

I don’t want to. And i never ask for it. I am so sorry.

Mama,
Seriously adik tak sengaja nak sakitkan hati mama dan buat mama sedih sebab my sikap. Maaf. Adik tengah try kawal baran adik. Adik cepat marah sekarang ni mama. Adik tak tahu kenapa. Maaf sangat.

Adik tak pernah niat pun nak derhaka dengan mama. Lepasni kalau adik marah adik try diam tapi kalau diam dan pendam akan jadi lagi teruk. Hm. Tak tahu apa yg terbaik tp i will try.

Sakitnya kepala ni fikir balik.

Siapalah aku tanpa mama dan ayah.

Dorang yang pampered aku dari kecik sampailah besar.

Sanggup celebrate aku habis puasa enam kat luar and sanggup pergi pizza hut lain sbb takde spaghetti.

Mama banyak berkorban. Ayah pun banyak berkorban.

But aku tak pernah nak ucap terima kasih. Maafkan adik.

Adik jadi manusia lupa diri dan berlagak. Fikir dia je yg betul. Maaf

Apa yg paling sedih. Aku sendiri sedar yg aku dah banyak berubah.

Dulu sikap sabar ada dalam diri. Seorang yg susah nak marah orang. Kini semuanya lain.

Senang marah orang.

Lantang bersuara kalau tak puas hati. Boleh bincang tp tetap nak menang.

Teruknya perangai aku. Maaf

Aku cuba nak minta maaf dengan mama tapi aku tak berani. Bodoh kan?

Nanti dah takde barulah menyesal. Manusia~

Takpe. Aku try gak minta maaf kat mama and ayah kalau aku buat silap. (Actually banyak silap aku)

Arwah MAK

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Selamat pagi malaysia. Its still early in the morning and here i am writing for my blog.
Its been awhile i didnt post anything. But here i am now.

02:27 am (25/3/2019)

I am writing this because i am crying so badly about something that make me touching badly.
Its sad to remember something past.

Its all happened in 2014 in September
I am at my college oversea. So far away from home. Thousand miles away. One day I receive a call from my mom. She told me my grandma is been warded. I am worried but my mom said there’s nothing to be worried. Luckily, she has been diacharged.

Just to let you know, i just end my holiday break a few days before i am going back home again for a vacation in Australia. My grandma with a big smile on her face giving me a hug and i shake her hand before I'm off to airport. She held my hand so tightly like she don’t want to let go. She even ask me “Bila lagi balik?” And i replied “minggu depan. Tak lama dah sbb nanti nak pergi bercuti.” And guess what she replied to me. “Tak sempat tu.” At this moment I didn’t think that her time is coming. I simply laugh and smile at her and saying “apa yang tak sempat. Minggu depan Nina balik dah.” She just smile and let her hand go. I hug her again and wave a goodbye.

My mom and dad sending me to the airport since my school holiday already end.

A few days later my mom told me Mak is being warded again. I am so worried and again my mom told me not to worry anything. I feel relieved.

And suddenly just happened.

This one morning day. I had rollcall in my hostel and before my warden end her talk, she loudly call my name and saying “nenek kamu dah tak ada”. I just nodded. After all the student going for a class. I ask the warden to make a phone call. I suddenly cry when i call my dad. He ask me to be patient and don’t cry. But still I’m crying.

I want to be home but my flight is this week and it will be impossible. I don’t want to burden my family money again. Emergency flight is so expensive. So its ok i just wait for my next flight. I let them to manage Mak without me. Its hurting me but i have to face the fact she’s gone.

So the last sign she already let me know and its just me who don’t realize it. I will always remember you Mak. I love you so much :)) <3

Thanks for take care of me and my family. There’s nothing i can do unless take care of you. Lots of love!!!

Nina sentiasa doakan Mak dan Abah semoga tenang di sana.

Al-fatihah

KAWAN

Kawan?
What is kawan?
Perlu ke ada kawan?
Apa kepentingan ada kawan?
Penting sangat ke nak ada kawan?
Kalau kita susah ada ke kawan dengan kita?

Banyak gila soalan.

Pernah tak terfikir kita ni seorang je ke. Mana kawan kita? ADA ke kawan nak dengan kita?

Sorry .

In mood of tanya banyak pasal kawan.

Kawan zaman sekarang ramai tapi bila masa susah. Rasanya lebih baik tak ada kawan.

Are you with me ?

2019 / PUBG MOBILE

Hey!

Its not 2019 yet but I just want to post it earlier. Since I don't really care about the date anymore :)

I just want to wish myself a happy belated day for me. Sweet 22 this year :* (i am not a loner)

So, i read a book which is reflect to myself and everybody around me. Its really annoying when people didn't do like what we ask for. And we want them to do it in our way. But we forget peoples are different and not an angel. People makes mistake and also we are.

When we ask them to do a task, don't assume they will do like our style. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN STYLE. So, don't bother about they style.

`~`

Almost 2019 and we can start to countdown the date starting for today. But am i achieve something this year (2017)?

NO !

I did have a job but then i quit. I really enjoy my job and the work environment. It never give a headache even once. But only i'm the one who tired with the working shift and easily get sick when people surround me is sick.

I take a lot of medical leave. And i can count it. Only for two month of working i already have 4 mc. and maybe my medical leave is already finished less than 6 month (only of im working there).

Next my big achievement and yet make me happy,

"WEH KAU DAH KURUS"

I am so proud of myself because i really want people to realize i am losing my weight and finally its really happen! My friends noticed that i am lose weight. Thanks for the strict diet for 1 month and its really give an effect.

Well its actually 1 month strict diet and the following month i just make sure i didn't go for a over limit food intake.

BUT NOW I AM SAD !

I can feel that my weight is increasing !!!!!

I need to start diet again in good way and need to make it sustain ~ hehe

I don't want to plan because im afraid it will end up something that i didn't plan at all.

`~`

PUBG MOBILE IS A COOL GAME AFTER FREE FIRE !

HAHAHAHAHA XD

Craving!

Its been awhile. I've been craving on something which is make me so sad and i lack of that thing. I just want write it on my diary but i can't . why... i also don't know why but i try to make it right and fine. act cool n normal even tho its not. i'm sick of it. i really tired for everything. i admit it. if one day you see this blog didn't have any updated less than a year, its mean i am gone. maybe died or passed away. either two. its not me to pick the way i die but its me who control the innermost of me. not u. u just a watcher who's not in my shoes. please take note.

to my dear reader (whoever read this), i am so thankful for your concern and your time for reading this rubbish notes. it is nothing i swear. why? everything that happen to me is my own decision and my own life. non of u controlling me life. EXCEPT ALLAH SWT. Only Him i can rely to. Not YOU!

I am struggling with myself and i know its sucks to be sick inside my head but outside looking so fine. what i want in my life is to be a teacher and be part of a government worker but its all destroyed with only simple reason. hate to remember it. thanks for your spirit and support towards me (even tho i don't know who).

So being part of me is a mess. i am being messed up with my own life. i blame myself. thank you

LAMA !

Hai semua! Assalamualaikum! Apa khabar?

Gosh i don't know who is still reading my blog since awhile.

Btw, i am very bossy with my own life but sometimes i just want to end it very soon.

WHY?

Just to end the pain.

SOMETIMES, its hurt.

Like so much hurting. and its killing me straight to my heart.

Its make my heartbeat stop for a moment and start breathing again after i settle down.

Who is in me?

Is there any demon inside?

Mental health problem is real.

I just afraid of something unsure and i am afraid of everything.

Manusia tetap buat kesilapan even dah ada experience and for me

MANUSIA MEMANG TAK PERNAH LARI DARIPADA MASALAH.

Why aku menulis macam ni?

I also have no idea.

I just miss to be a blogger

and

DOING MY PASSION HOBBY

such as;

game and vlogging (in my own world)

I need to start doing what i want to do.

I try.

DRAFT

Assalamualaikum,

Hai.

Long time no see. Even though we never meet.

Currently its not a good time to update my blog since I am kinda busy but I try my best to make time for it.

So, I have a lot of fun activities to be done when I'm still alive. I really hoping for something good to happen. But some of it already happen. In a good way and bad way too.

This kind of living, we still have pros and cons so don't worry and embrace it. You live only once so do whatever can make you feel blessed.

Its been awhile I didn't update my story here and wattpad too. A lot of story being untold and in draft. I'm sorry but I just not ready to post it or looking forward in whatever happen in my life. I still cannot bear with the future which is made me scared so much.

Yesterday, my mama friend came by and she is my English teacher. (Typical anak cikgu)

And I'm very happy to meet her because the last time I met her when I am standard 6 i guess. Now I am 21 years old in 2018. How long is that? HAHAHAHA! She compliment me like a lot in front of my dad and mom. They are very happy and proud about it. While me? Malu as fuck and lari masuk bilik. Why? Sebab before that she said I look slim. Straight away I jawab 'Diet setahun ni aunty. Susah taw diet.' All of us at the living room burst of laugh.

Before this I diet tak pernah nampak effect sebab salah gaya diet. Alhamdulillah after I make a step of change, everything is working out. I am so happy about it!

This Friday I gonna go for hang out with her and my mom and I'm looking forward for it! SUPER EXCITED! but where should i take her? hehehe

Oh

Run of the topic.

DRAFT ~

Why?

I wrote like a lot of post on blog but i save it as draft. Why i didn't post it? Because i got no guts to do it! Sometimes, my confidence is lost by giving it to the people who really need it. While? Not in need at all. Maybe its not the time yet~

I guess its the end.

Need to do something greater

So the world will recognize me

and claim

'SHE IS FROM MALAYSIA' !

i will be so damn proud that time

and i can die in peace

xx AMIN !