why (transition between "you" and "myself")

during the holiday, it feel like you are not welcoming. feeling so burden towards yourself. and sometimes, you feel so worthless than others (people that you know). when you are feeling this, that must be something that messing up in your head.

BUT

actually the brain is empty.

do you know, sometimes, you can feel nothing but your face show some stressful face.

BUT

literally you are just fine. you just not sure with yourself. right now, you just feel like want to be alone and restart your life. you don't want anyone to know about your existence.

do you ever exist in someone life?

you might think, NO. i am no one's favourite.

so you decided to smaller your circle. stop interacting with new people. make some boundaries so you feel safe. you talk with strangers. 

BUT

you just don't make friends. you will stop knowing them. you just talk to them to fulfill your needs.

your face will show that you are thinking about something.

BUT

YOU DON'T THINK

sometimes, you just let the pain to endure in you. you don't care how people treats you. what you know, "i'm feeling good".

*phones ringing* MAMA IS CALLING

Me: HELLO!

Mama: Assalamualaikum adik.

Me: Waalaikummusalam mama.... sihat?

Mama: Sihat, alhamdulillah. adik macam mana? sihat ke? how's your assignments?

Me: sihat ma. kerja still tak siap. masih ongoing. now just thesis la ma.. stress.

Mama: its ok. buat je. asalkan buat. salah, betulkan balik. so, haritu dia tanya apa?

Me: Oh dia tanya soalan yg adk dah expected. but, still salah jawab. hehehe

Mama: adik banyak main la.. try serious sikit. janganlah macam ni..

Me: adik tak banyak main. ni first time kot internet salah bagi jawapan. hahaha

Mama: tak apalah. kalau ada rezeki insha Allah. sometimes, apa kita nak, kita tak dapat. berdoalah kat Allah supaya dipermudahkan. jangan masa susah je ingat dekat dia. masa senang lupa Dia. not good right. its ok la.. adik makan apa harini...?

Me: adik beli ayam, nasi and sayur la ma.

Mama: ayam je adik ni. ikan takde ke?

Me: ayam je yg murah hehehehe

Mama: iye la tu. sedangkan tak suka makan ikan. kan?

Me: hehehe tak la ma...

Mama: ok la. nanti mama call adik lagi ok. take care ye.

Me: ok mama. take care taw. nanti adik balik.

Mama: ok. balik naik tren je. sekejap je kan adik nak balik. 

Me: ya sekejap je. sebab next week tu exam dah.

Mama: ok adik. jaga diri taw.

Me: okay mama. Assalamualaikum

Mama: Waalaikummusalam.

actually, after talking to her, i felt so calm and my emotionless become faded. the only human that always available when i needed. my forever life support. even tho, sometimes i felt like she doesn't care about me, actually she just not sure how to show affection. i feel jealous with brothers because she gives all her attention to my bros. at some point, i envy but sometimes i just don't care.

since my dad passed away, i lost my place to bermanja. the only person that i love to be so childish. he always layan my mengada. even masa tu he's tired. its okay dad. i am grown up now. you don't need to worry anymore. i won't rely on person anymore. its just me and my family.

emosi

kenapa perempuan dan emosi ni macam tak boleh kita pisahkan... lelaki pun ada emosi tp kenapa lelaki lagi mudah nak handle emosi berbanding perempuan? sometimes, jadi perempuan ni susah juga. semua benda nak terasa hati walaupun benda tu mcm takde apa pun. tapi kenapa mesti nak terasa hati?

normal la kan perempuan menangis. marah. moody. tiber takde mood. tapi kalau kerap sgt mesti org menyampah. mcm mana pula dgn perempuan yg tak reti nak handle emosi? mesti teruk kan. idk. sometimes mcm aku je perempuan tu. but so far ok je kot...

apa aku merepek ni.

ok la bye

Hanoi~

sometimes, all i need is a place to express my feelings. dengan manusia macam tak puas. so i will write it here. kenapa terasa diri tu bagus sedangkan dia tak bagus. kenapa rasa diri tu tak bersalah, sedangkan diri tu dah terang-terang buat salah. kenapa nak kena bangkit balik isu yg dah bertahun lamanya. kenapa mesti nak cerita salah aku yg 3 tahun lepas? kau dah takde benda lain nak salahkan aku?

lepas tu kau nak tuduh aku keluar dgn orang asing and kau mcm nak ckp aku 'perempuan murahan'? apa maksud kau? keluar dgn kwn dikatakan perempuan murahan. mcm mana pula dgn kau? jumpa org yg sama dan kau flirt dgn dia? siap panggil baby bagai. tapi still nak pertahankan semua ni jd sebab aku dan kau dgn dia pun 'takde apa' 'takde feeling'. im not that stupid. aku dah bazir byk masa dekat kau. and aku benci kau sampai aku mati!

kau the only ex yg aku benci macam ni. tahniah. org kelantan mcm kau mmg bullshit. aku tak ckp semua org kelantan, aku ckp khas untuk kau! so kau boleh happy dgn org tu. idc. idgaf. u may go. dont ever comeback! aku benci kau! aku x nak ada kenangan dgn kau dah! 

kau ckp semua ni jd sebab salah aku sendiri, sedangkan aku nak tebus salah aku. and kau? bermain cinta dgn org lain dan dah jumpa dia lebih 3 kali. kalau dah panggil baby bagai, tak tahu la apa lg kau buat. kau bodoh kan aku sampai aku bg hati aku balik kat kau. and kau musnahkan mcm tu je. kau kejam! kau la manusia paling kejam pernah aku kenal.

aku berharap sangat, aku takkan jumpa kau dan sesiapa sahaja yg mengenali kau. kau minta aku peluang? berapa kali peluang dah aku bagi? kau nak heal end up kau cari orang lain dan kau dgn org yg sama sampai la hari kau kantoi. almost 3 month or myb more? bullshit. thanks for everything.

aku benci kau.

sumpah.

LIPAS DALAM GARLIC FRIED RICE AT KYOCHON

 Assalamualaikum, 

and hai semua! Long time no see... Since aku stress dengan fyp, so marilah kita menaip sikit mengenai kisah yang tak dapat aku lupakan...

Ada satu haritu, aku pegi makan kat kyochon KL. (tak perlu specific tempat) lepas tu aku awal masuk kedai tu pun dah macam moody sebab kena order kat kaunter, sedangkan orang lain order dari meja je... but disebabkan kawan aku mcm ok je, so aku pun proceed la order kat kaunter. 

After order, so we wait at the table and orang lain dapat makan dulu instead kami... Sedangkan apa yg kami order tu sama je and quantity half chicken set for two person. Itu je.. So, aku pun tunggu je la macam takde apa berlaku...

Lepas 30 minit berlalu, barulah makanan sampai. Ayam dan nasi yg kami order. Aku memang dah lapar dari rumah lagi. So aku excited nak makan sebab ayam is my favorite! So, aku pun makan and sambil tu berborak la dengan kawan aku...

Nak dijadikan cerita, masa aku nak ambil nasi, aku macam korek la nasi sbb aku order garlic fried rice. So, aku mmg nampak ada warna hitam kat dalam nasi tu, but aku fikir itu hanya garlic hangus. Tapi, bila aku korek and aku nampak warna hitam tu, aku macam terkejut and guess what, aku nampak anak lipas jenis american yg normal dalam bilik hotel. DAMNS!!!!

Dah la cukup sifat, cuma beza dia dah kena penyek dalam nasi je... So, aku tak sure lipas tu dari luar masuk or mmg dia masak sekali dengan nasi tu. Aku takde gambar nak tunjuk sebab masa kejadian tu jadi, mmg aku terus panggil pekerja dia and mengadu pasal hal tu. Then, dorang terus amik mangkuk nasi aku bawa pegi kitchen.

So, memang tiada bukti gambar or video. Lepastu, manager dia datang and minta maaf and nak gantikan meal aku dengan yg baru, but aku tolak. Aku tak nak apa-apa dari kitchen. Manager tu diam sekejap dan dia cakap, apa yg kami makan tak perlu bayar. Aku pun ok je la.

After that kejadian, aku terus stop makan but aku minum air hot chinese tea aku je. Kawan pun nak makan macam rasa bersalah and takut.. HAHAHAHA

Lepas berapa minit kot, manager dia datang bawa fries as token apologies and ambil bil kami dari meja. Selesai makan, aku terus keluar dengan kawan aku. Before keluar makan, aku pergi basuh tangan and terkejut juga sebab keadaan kitchen dia macam situasi kat kedai mamak HAHAHAHA

LESSON LEARNED! 

Bukan kedai makan gerai or warung je kena be careful, tapi yg dalam mall also kena hati-hati.

Aku tak boleh nak sebarkan isu ni sebab aku takde bukti kejadian tu berlaku. Aku tak nak orang fikir aku sebarkan something only for cloud. NoPE!

So, biarkan je la... At least aku tak kena food poisoning then ok la... Risau juga kalau kena... In my life, tak pernah lagi aku kena keracunan makanan. Minta simpanggg~

Need to get back to work. CHowww~

Youtube Sabrina Wazien

 I think im stuck with the current situation. I trying to do something but always terasa macam ada stuck... currently i am having a good moment at tiktok since one video went FYP. But i dunno until when it will stay. So now its become a lil bit slow. but i knwo its just a start. so i need to make sure to keep on pace. jangan give up. 

now my teeth is hurting me.. its not my teeth but the root. i donno why but its hurting me... rasa macam ngilu pun ada....

i need to do my work... ada presentation soon. i need to make sure its done before 5 june.

i will do what ever i want and post it! but i dunno what is it... ? 

vlog?

eating food?

spend mom money?

apa lagi.... i think itu je kot... i dunno...

i jusst need to be calm... chill.. 

good luck on ur thesis... try ur best ok.

im trying. its killing em==me softly.

THATS WHAT I WANT

 WE NEVER GET WHAT WE WANT.

WHAT WE NEED IN THIS WORLD IS NOT EASY AS U CAN SEE. 

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WHEN U WANT TO HAVE THAT BUT U CANT.

LITERALLY, I AM WRITTINE MY ASSIGNMENT AND BE PREPARED FOR UPCOMING PRESENTATION SOON. I REALLY HOPE EVERYTHING WILL BE OK BUT I ALSO SCARED THAT IT WILL MAKE IT WORST.

NOW I M DOING OTHER SUBJECTS BUT I GETTING SO SLEEPY AND FUNNY IS, WHEN I SHUT DOWN MY LAPTOP, I WILL FEEL SO BRIGHT AND WANT TO WATCH THE VIDEO UNTIL 3 AM. ITS SUCKS BUT YA ITS THE THING. 

BUT TONIGHT I REALLY NEED TO SLEEP CUZ I HAVE A PRESENTATION. I NEED TO BE READY. LUCKY ME THIS SEMESTER I ONLY HAVE 4 SUBJECT. BUT FUNNY THING IS IM NOT INTO ASSIGNMENTS RIGHT NOW. IM SO LAZY. I DUNNO WHY BUT MAYBE SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN..

RIGHT NOW IM EATING A MEDICINE FOR MY TEETH. I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE ROOTS AND ITS NOT HURTING ME. ITS JUST REALLY MAKE MY TEETH KINDA "NGILU" WHAT ITS CALLED IN ENGLISH IM NOT SURE BRO... 

I JUST ENJOY TYPING RIGHT NOW AND I REALLY NEED TO KEEP PUSHING. I NEED TO READ MANY ARTICLE SOON. I NEED TO FINISH MY CHAPTER 2 BADLY. I DUNNO BUT YA. I NEED TO MAKE IT FAST!

KEMATIAN: Faris Hafifi, Mat Yen, Yogi and friends & Cumi

Berita tergempar yang agak mengejutkan. Terlalu banyak kematian yang berlaku kepada individu yang saya kenali termasuklah kucing di tiktok... long story short, lately ni orang yg kita kenal slowly leaving us. itu tandanya aku makin tua. not a good sign but we cant deny the fate. 

Actually i dah kurang meluahkan perasaan kat sini.. nak kata menulis kat buku pun tidak... how aku express diri sekarang? i got confuse sometimes tapi i malas nak fikir hahahaha

itu pun tanda berumur sebenarnya.

sebenarnya saya lost of words nak menaip apa... maybe i will start writing when i want to.

after kematian, i also slowly dying. everyone carefully dying slowly ...

breathe

 breathe breath brea...

Assalamualaikum semua... 

i just want to update that im still alive... sooner or later this blog will be missed. 

if u read this when im gone, please forgive me and sedekahkan al-fatihah for me.

i am sorry for my wrong doings. i love you all. bye