TAHNIAH!!!
Bismillah. Assalamualaikum~
How are you?
I am fine. I hope you are doing well too~ Btw, today is the day when i feel so blessed. Dont ask me why i just can feel the vibes. thanks for everything today!
Ok so i want to story a bit about last year. #Majorthrowback
I still remember, hari sepatutnya result keluar tu, i am going out with my ex and we having fun at the town. but tbh, aku lupa haritu ialah hari result UPU keluar. so aku just spend my time wisely tanpa risau dapat Uni or not.
Balik je rumah mama tell me result UPU dah keluar. i just nodded and masuk bilik. cuak juga la nak check sebab first try UPU mmg i failed walaupun dapat temuduga UPSI but takat tu je la. then second chance, aku just cuak nak check... but still i kena check. bila check je and at that time dah 11pm? maybe... then aku tengok dia kata TAHNIAH! hahahaha
terus keluar bilik and bgtahu ayah then mama... mama takut nak tanya i pasal result sebab takut gagal and she also told me that she dont wanna ask when im going out cuz she was thinking i going out to release stress if only i dont get UPU again. she is soooo excited cuz mama really wants me to further my study and so do i. i dont want to work yet. i still want to pursue my study. Alhamdulillah i dapat UUM Universiti Utara Malaysia, Sintok, Kedah.
WHAT?! KEDAH AGAIN???!!! JODOH KUAT NI.
Some particular question and respond i received. Its quite annoying but still need to face it anyway. Plus all my diploma friend thinking i am in love with utara.. dude, if only i can choose where i wanna go it will be fine 😝
The feeling bila dapat sambung tu best sangat. But. i dont know why but my dad seems not happy. he look so gloomy 😔 he is not someone that i know. i can feel the different. haritu i tukar spec baru pun dia tak happy (ok ni i tukar masa cuti mid sem before ayah sakit). if only i know this will happen... but i dont know. hm
i cari barang masuk Uni dgn ex, and i ask money from ayah and beli keperluan semua sendiri. ayah busy and i beli sendiri. almost everyday i akan keluar sbb ada je barang tak cukup. i also tak packing barang awal. just sediakan borang apa yang patut dibawa je. he dont even bother sbb i know how to handle it. i miss his jokes so much 😭
as usual, i will go there 2 days early because mama got friend at changlun so she wants to meet her as well and mama friends also know the selok belok kat UUM sbb anak dia baru je grad from UUM. on the road i got a bad headache. i cannot bare it and daddy is worried. sampai je RnR he ask me to eat panadol and siap pesan before naik kereta or long trip drive just eat panadol 2 pills. i just nodded. masuk kereta i tido again sebab cannot tahan anymore.
after sampai hotel, i terus baring and then baru take shower untuk slow down kan sikit my sakit kepala. my dad tired as well. but the only thing i remember, i sleep all day sebab sakit kepala... i sleep early and esok bangun mengadu lapar. but nasib la kawan mama datang but bukan pergi makan tapi pergi check UUM 😫 I dah lapar and gastrik... luckily ada air kosong. so i drink that first untuk cover from kelaparan.
my first impression about UUM is, WOW SO BIG EH UUM. WHAT MALL? PIZZA HUT 😱 OK I KNOW MY MONEY WILL BURN EASILY HERE 😗
My dad already perli and says ,
"Nanti duit cepat habis tahu dah pegi mana."
Mama pulak cakap
"Jangan boros sangat. Simpan duit tu dan guna bila perlu je. Nanti gemok bising"
Ayah replied
"Takpe adik belajar je. Pasal duit jangan risau. Tahu la ayah nak buat macam mana 😄"
Ayah . I know . I am a spender. im so sorry.
before belajar pun banyak minta ayah duit but duit tu semua mengalir kat tempat and benda yang tak guna. im sorry dad.
Ok settle jejalan UUM and tunjuk my college, we go eat lunch at rumah kawan mama. i lupa nama dia sbb my old phone already gone. so i might be forgotten so many people names. my bad. after done eating, we headed back to hotel and have a rest. petang sikit keluar again cari makanan.. sbb aku lapar 😩 i go buy minum petang with mama sbb ayah too lazy nak keluar kereta.
malam terakhir aku tido dgn mama dan ayah. (kena pulak lagu sedih Berhenti Berharap #np)
aku serious tak rasa emosi kena tinggalkan parents sbb masa diploma aku dah pernah berjauhan dan nangis so masa degree aku tak rasa sangat. malam tu ayah tak nak keluar cari dinner tapi aku ngadu gak lapar sedangkan sebelum balik hotel td dah makan kat marrybrown but still aku lapar.. ayah ajak pegi station minyak nearby hotel jalan kaki. aku join! 😄😄😄 SEBAB AKU NAK BELI FOOD!
mama stay in room. only me and dad. masa turun lobi, i can see many people like my age myb and i assume dorang study at UUM as well. sampai je station minyak, ayah suruh ambil je apa i nak. i just take maggi cup and some hot cups drink. and i bawa pegi counter and suddenly my dad ask me to choose ice cream. i pick the walls cornetto and for mama as well. i enjoy eating ice cream kat luar hotel sbb angin malam sejuk and ayah suruh makan dulu baru naik bilik. so aku ikut je la.
after settle makan, and ayah is talking to the owner of hotel, aku minta diri nak naik bilik sbb nak iron baju untuk esok. and he just nodded. but ramai pulak nak iron baju. so i skip. myb xyah iron la.. just tudung je or aku bedal je tudung aku pakai ritu.
esoknya, bangun pagi and breakfast. my heart x cuak pun just act normal. tak tahu nak rasa apa... feeling numb? 😅 ayah dont seems happy. mmg normal sbb ayah x suka aku jauh but i have to. i dont even know he is even going so far right now. i miss you 😞😔😭
haritu ada photobooth and tah kenapa aku ajak mama and ayah tangkap gambar as kenangan and yes. itu gambar last dengan ayah cuz ayah bukan photo person (same like me). nampak la muka tak happy dia 😕 tp xpe ayah. i still love it 💕
haritu banyak kali suruh mama belikan something, dengan baju putih la. tudung putih la. belikan untuk kawan juga la.. semua la... ayah marah sbb tak prepare masa kat kl... well aku dah agak pun kena marah. kawan aku dari sabah pun ada masatu. malu ah kena marah ada kawan baru lak... then tak jauh dari tu pun ada orang duduk berdekatan and rupanya member yg tetibe kteorg klik skali. malu aku 😓
like usual orientasi and nasib baik la bukan orientasi like kiddo. cool no ragging and no pressure. just enjoy my moment kat UUM. hari ayah balik but dorang tak visit aku sbb dorang ckp aku dah besar 😹😹😹 ok fine daddy.
the bond is real. anak ayah is real. ayah sakit adik sakit. i love you! 💢💗
i still ingat how that whole week i keep on calling u instead of mama. manja dengan ayah is another level la.. ayah layankan je and still treat me like a kid. haihhh mana nak jumpa ayah begini tell me?! every week bank in je duit sbb risau aku takde duit. sedangkan ada je duit. at first ayah tak bg ambil pt sbb dia kata dia mampu but mama insist nak ambil juga. and mama kata luckily ambil. we never know in future. betul la. sediakan payung sebelum hujan.
every week ayah masukkan duit. every friday mcm feeling masa diploma. mesti ayah masukkan duit so aku ada je duit... kalau ada duit lebih mesti ayah bank in lagi... aku tak minta but still ayah nak bagi. dia kata "jangan makan megi je. makan nasi. jangan tak makan. jangan berlapar sbb nak jimat duit. ada je duit ni. adik makan. adik tu gastrik." how cute he is.
ada masa tu i mengadu i sakit perut sbb makan benda apa tah and he told me not to buy from person just pergi kafe at least. nanti senang if something.. i just "ok".. funny how he love to video call me. and he said "gemoknya adik." i am soooo sakit hati... then i ask nak tengok darren and kin... and he showed me my cats terbongkang tido lena.
one day, ayah bagitahu dia dah pasang tinted at my car and i asked him to show me. it was dark ok. jarang la ayah nak pasang tinted gelap gitu. cuz i pernah ngadu nak pakai fully tinted not half and yes. he grant my wish.
till something happen,
he got sick. the night when i call mama. and i ask mama where is dad. i wanna talk to him but at the background i can hear is saying something "tak nak.. ayah letih nak tido". and mama repeated what he said. i just say "ok night". then esoknya i dapat tahu ayah masuk ICU. my heart is broke into pieces 💔💔💔
baru semalam aku sembang and pagi tu aku dapat tahu berita mcm ni.. how aku tahu dulu? aku tgk status whatsapp angah. and aku terus reply tanya kenapa.. and angah told me ayah sakit malam tu.
Me: Aku baru cakap dengan ayah semalam!
Angah: Ye dik. aku pun terkejut ni.
Aku menangis pagi tu. Nasib baik rumet aku dah pegi koko and and mmg haritu exam koko untuk semua student tahun 1 and tahun 2. aku lost. aku iron sambil nangis. aku pergi mandi then terfikir should i go back home. but mama tak call suruh balik... sambil nangis again.
balik je bilik aku dapat call from angah. he was crying and told me to come back home immediately cuz dad condition was bad. aku jawab "ye aku akan balik lepas aku settle exam taekwando ni. kau jangan risau. aku mmg plan nak balik"
luckily, aku x pernah ponteng any classes so its not a big deal for me. i just whatsapp my lecturer why aku tak masuk kelas. (#np Hanya Rindu/ sumpah ngam lagu time writing ni) well lagu sendu and kematian banyak dah aku layan before ayah sakit. aku rasa zero and aku fikir mcm ada someone will left me. masa ni aku fikir mama akan tinggalkan aku. i never fikir ayah akan pergi dulu 😔 Hati ini hanya rindu ❤
my rushing nak balik tu jangan cakap la.. nasib baik aku rasa semuanya dipermudahkan. i already post bout this journey. its hurt to remind it back. but its ok. im fine.
Post Emergency Leave (klik to read)
and this post is when i already feel nothing and its real zero feelings Feels Numb
i rasa itu je la. for now. i just rasa nak menaip so here it is the hasil. thank u for reading!
Sabrina Wazien xx💥
💖💜💋
