both. (copy paste)

You are more of a public introvert and private extrovert

Within your circle of family and friends, you are completely at ease and it’s often you who takes the lead to organise outings, dinners, vacations, etc. However, as soon as you are in a public or professional setting you become rather inhibited. You don’t feel in tune with what you would qualify as agitation, rivalry or vainglory and this can sometimes appear to others as a kind of hidden criticism or a lack of ambition. In fact, your pragmatic temperament helps you successfully manage problems as and when they arise. You aren’t the kind to calculate your every move and plan every inch of your life, and you find the sphere of family and friends to be much more gratifying to the professional sphere. You are more expressive in emotional, sensorial and human terms and at home your organisation skills and capacity to oil the family wheels work well and many of your family and friends appreciate your qualities and skills. At first glance, people find it hard to understand how you could be so comfortable organising your private life and then seem to lose the better part of your self-confidence when you’re in public. Maybe it’s a question of rhythm? If you feel comfortable in your domestic rhythm it’s perhaps because it works more on a short-term basis (day, week or more rarely a month). On the contrary, the rhythm of professional life seems less concrete and more distant as the professional agenda works more to quarterly or annual plans, that you have no control over. Is this the source of your lessened motivation? You can’t control all the cards so you have to adapt and, in fact, that doesn’t interest you at all? If this difference between work and home life doesn’t bother you, then carry on. However, if you feel frustrated by this imbalance, it could be useful to look into the deeper reasons (either on your own or with someone else) that keep you less focused on professional ambition. For instance, such reasons could be: a lack of thanks and recognition, a fear of not being up to the mark… It’s up to you to find out.

Raya without you~

Assalamualaikum,

so today is first day of syawal. what is so special with this raya anyway?
I already lost the vibes since my grandma passed away. but this time i feel so alone when you left me.
I missed how you treat me when puasa. u ask me to go out and buying some new clothes. and ya i know. last year i was so busy with my own life. sampai malas nak beraya kat kampung because i just want to stay kl.

but now everything is changed. i miss it how u treat me like so kiddo. i will and always be your anak ayah forever. i just want you but i can't. u r not mine. he lend it to me the best dad i ever had.

the way you pampered is so describable. its just nothing much i can say right now. its just only you dad.

last day of ramadan,
i just woke up and the feels is so different. you always call me and ask to do something at home so that u can continue doing something at home when it is ready. but not now. everything need to be settle between me and mom. i already set my time when is the time to help her. yeah i managed to do it. do u feel proud of me? :))

i got so many assignment because of this online learning. lecturer pun suka hati je bagi due date macam orang tak betul. and ya nasib baik i do my works cepat. yeah i know myself. its ok dad. i can manage myself. i hope that i can make mama proud.

mcm biasa la buat rendang ayam and for sure ayam bandar hahaha. and last year he cook everything termasuklah rendang, ketupat and kuah lemak. yeah he loves to cook. i have to admit my dad cooks is better. but this year i need to settle hal rumah like masak rendang then kemas rumah, baru boleh buat assignment.

actually i am freaking exhausted. abg being so childish eventho u already gone dad. i am not sure when will they realize about responsibility towards me and mama. hm its ok.

first day of raya,
yup just like usual bangun pagi mandi and makan. but ya mcm biasa la. lain sikit sbb selalunya ayah akan suruh siap then pegi somewhere but this time just at home dulu.. then ayah pagi2 mesti xde sbb sebuk at bengkel hahaha..

bangun pagi then feel so sunyi. if ada tetamu datang sure ayah akan entertain. ayah have so many things to talk to. but last year raya mmg ayah tak banyak cakap like selalu. so i never realize it was my last year raya with him. memories come one by one.

mama sebuk nak pergi kuala selangor. dia tak tahu ke banyak kenangan kat sana. give me time nak hadam semua ni ... i am weak la mcm ni. gimme time sikit...

its hurt and awkward without you. hm

Al- Fatihah ~

4 words

Assalamualaikum,

Hi~

So, basically i am listening to Imagine Dragons right now. The lyrics is basically fit me right now.

Trust me darling. I'm a bad liar. Ok itu lagu ~

so, i wanna ask, is it hard to communicate and make a deal on something which is give an impact in your life? ok la. senang cerita macam kau plan nak buat pelaburan dengan orang tersayang. tapi dia tak setuju but kau insist nak juga. pada masa yg sama kau dah bagi beban dekat partner kau. partner kau stress sbb ye la financial tak stable lagi, tetiba dah kena ada commitment. and hey, tak kahwin pun lagi. is it fair? to be honest, its not.

both side is hurting and the agreement is not valid. why? one side is not agree but he have to. being forced is not cool. just be tough for those who is dealing with this kind of situation.

~~~

well, something is hitting me real hard right now. my mind is blank with nothing inside. something is dying inside but not sure what is it. i am trying to do my assignment but still, it didn't make any changes. stay in front of laptop and listening to music. what is wrong with me now?

4words. ayah+mama=adik

is it words or lettteR? idk.

but whos cares ya.

love = awak 

same right? 

i just realize. four (4) is my new favorite number now. it's been awhile i want to write bout this but i never do it. so this is the time. i just truly in love right now. but i want to keep it safe inside my heart. i hate to show off what i have. keep it myself so people wont be envy on me and everything will be fine. i am happy now :)

there is no words can describe. pls don't make it hard in life. just enjoy it till we can ^^

banana casing ~

yup i am in love with this casing. dah lama beli but now baru boleh pakai sebab baru repair screen. and yup pisang ~ my favourite fruit ! idk. i just love fruit <3 if only ayah can see me now. i wish your jokes dad. the haluuu word from both of us make me smile and be a kid again. the way you treated me is so special dad. i miss you so much.

i really miss how our last conversation on that night. you ask me to not buying food from someone who is not sure what they are selling. because i mengadu sakit perut and not happy with that food. hm i miss that moment. so much. i am so childish and orang yg lalu lalang are watching me on call with you and the thought it was boyfriend hahahaha. who cares. hm. memories.

so anyway, kin got boyfriend. she just came home after dawn. and keep on mumbling on her language which is i am not understand at all. but ya her boyfriend is quite handsome ya. oren and fluffy fur. i hold him for a second till Kin go and slap him. (jealous maybe) but dia yang bawa balik depan rumah. not my fault hahahaha

if only i can tell you this daddy. you will be laugh at my stupid jokes. i am sorry. i cannot make you proud even more. i still remember what you said to me.

ayah : awal sem dapat surat sebab pointer atas 3.5 and sekarang takde dah ke?

me : eh ada je ok. cuma dorang tak anta surat ke rumah sbb takde bajet

ayah : ye ke. ok la nanti ayah nak tgk result

me : takde report card mcm dulu dah. hahahahaha

ayah : ada - ada je la kau dik. ayah nak juga.

but once he see my result, dia akan cakap 

"okay nanti buat elok-elok lagi. adik boleh kan?"

hahahahaha

yaaaa i got no goals ya. so i just hit whenever i can. its a gamble life. its become more miserable when you gone :')

~~~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UJ07M-Rwhs

and aku rasa this song is the best to describe my feeling right now. and bytheway, i feel so better after using this pillow hahahaha ~ ok esok la buat keje -.-" malasnya lahai !!!! please be nice ya assignment :*

untuk let go something is hurting but tryin to be fine all the time lagi sakit. so lepaskan je la. semua orang layak happy do~ what ever it is. aku dah malas nak ada kaitan dengan my past. ok bye.

meluat and sakit hati. so ya. bye ~

hahahahaha. i just being myself. so ya. ok again bye :P

dont hunt my past. i am being present right now :D

#peace <3

heart rest

Assalamualaikum wbt 

dan hello~

Hey~ long time no see!

What does it mean to fall hard?

“falling hard” for someone means that you fall heavily in love with someone. “falling for someone hard” means that you fall for someone who is hard, or in other words, difficult personality or a tough personality. I have fallen hard for my partner, who is hard exterior, soft interior.

What is it now. Apa the hoax ? Not literally hoax. its just chaos.

nahh. i don't know how to say this. i just want to take a break. give my heart a rest to take a risk again. i know the risk and i am trying to accept the risk just need time. people can't force you to fall hard on them *pls take note

so, if you have someone who is willing to wait, u should think deeply about risk. they take the risk for you already so why don't you. its ok. it will be fine right?

Mama: Adik kalau nak kahwin kena cari laki yang ada agama dan rajin macam ayah.

Me: Adik punya taste tinggi dan adik ada high expectation untuk terima dorg datang dlm my life. so it will take time.

Mama: ye. sebab ayah dah manja kan adik sangat. takpe la apa yg terbaik buat je la. adik independent sangat. bagus la. adik sama mcm ayah.

Me: *sebak* ya terpaksa ma. sape lagi nak layan manja adik ni? hahaha

tbh, i hate this conversation. just let me chill for awhile. the wound still in healing. wait for awhile. bukan sebab broken the past relay but broken sebab my other half already gone forever. he broke my heart and take it away without giving it back.

hati ni mcm tertanam sekali dengan dia. im sorry dad.

it is hard for me actually. if you say lost your loves one (ur partner) is hard enough to deal, try think the one who raise u and gone forever like forever. at least ur partner still alive and u can check on em. but i don't know what to say. i am not comparing its just feel it is worst feeling ever. i never thought he will left me this early.

he planned so many things about marriage but ya. itu hanya sekadar merancang. its ok.

ok stuck kejap sebab tadi kawan call tanya pasal assignment.. haihh why kena belajar if ayah dah takde... its ok la. bnde dah start so need to end it.

cepat la berlalu~

Roti John~

Assalamualaikum,

Hi ~

Today is sooo lucky!

Wait a minute, roti john. I can cook the best roti john that i can eat. this is a good news. ok jap otak aku masih loading after bangun dari tidur tadi...

ok actually aku nak cerita kisah roti john dgn ayah. dulu ayah suka buatkan aku roti john. and i still ingat masa tu aku nak pegi theme park dgn my cousin and ayah buatkan bekal roti john. it soo sedap. i still ingat i request banyak sbb i suka makan roti john ayah buat.

after dah besar sikit then aku baru sedar ayah mmg suka masak and yes he is the best cooker in my life ~ after seharian penat di bengkel, ayah still manage to cook at home sebab mmg ayah pandai masak by using 'apa yang ada' in the fridge. and i still remember, after ayah balik keje and takde benda nak masak, all the sudden ada dish on meja ayah masak. and semua tu ada dalam fridge. he is the best!

last year is the last puasa bersama ayah. and i still ingat dia ada belikan bahan untuk i buat roti john cuz i want to eat roti john but i want to cook by myself. so, ayah belikan roti john punya isi. and i just cook. ayah paling suka kalau aku masak. he will always puji. kalau tak sedap, ayah xkan cakap x sedap. ayah akan cakap "pandai adik masak. nanti masak kurangkan air dia sikit'. soo the way he tegur i can accept. 

masa puasa 2019 pun ayah selalu gak bawa balik makanan yg paling i suka makan masa tu which is Nasi Ikan Keli Rambo. idk why but instead of ayam, i lg prefer ikan keli masa tu and i will ask for extra sambal. before balik kerja, ayah akan singgah beli makanan. i pun x sure kenapa tapi last puasa tu mmg tak banyak masak bersama. banyak beli makanan luar je.

sometimes, ayah akan ajak i teman dia pergi tapak kat sebelah jakel kl tu sbb dia ada buat kerja kat situ so dia nak show to me hasil kerja dia. i can see his smiling is so bright and proud on what he does. i feel so proud. peoples hormat ayah and ayah still humble. people always cakap ayah tu cina cuz mata sepet dia. even my friend kata ayah cute.. alahaiii HAHAHAHA. ayah aku handsome ok masa dia muda and askar. so bae! <3

i miss him so much.

so many memories.

if only u can taste my roti john ayah... u will be so happy sebab sedap taw :P

i will never forget how i drive that night following you behind the van. its just not me. i am so lost. i also can't even think how i handle myself on that time. who im searching for.. i guess nobody. i feel total lost when i lost u dad :') *nangis jap*

i think ada benda lain i want to story but thats all for today. maybe next time i will share more. thanks for reading, anonymous <3

❤😉💞💜🙋

*update*

mama suddenly cakap i ni so berdikari. lagi nampak sejak ayah takde.. well she just realized it now? 😂😆😆

i am independent.

fuhh~