why (transition between "you" and "myself")

during the holiday, it feel like you are not welcoming. feeling so burden towards yourself. and sometimes, you feel so worthless than others (people that you know). when you are feeling this, that must be something that messing up in your head.

BUT

actually the brain is empty.

do you know, sometimes, you can feel nothing but your face show some stressful face.

BUT

literally you are just fine. you just not sure with yourself. right now, you just feel like want to be alone and restart your life. you don't want anyone to know about your existence.

do you ever exist in someone life?

you might think, NO. i am no one's favourite.

so you decided to smaller your circle. stop interacting with new people. make some boundaries so you feel safe. you talk with strangers. 

BUT

you just don't make friends. you will stop knowing them. you just talk to them to fulfill your needs.

your face will show that you are thinking about something.

BUT

YOU DON'T THINK

sometimes, you just let the pain to endure in you. you don't care how people treats you. what you know, "i'm feeling good".

*phones ringing* MAMA IS CALLING

Me: HELLO!

Mama: Assalamualaikum adik.

Me: Waalaikummusalam mama.... sihat?

Mama: Sihat, alhamdulillah. adik macam mana? sihat ke? how's your assignments?

Me: sihat ma. kerja still tak siap. masih ongoing. now just thesis la ma.. stress.

Mama: its ok. buat je. asalkan buat. salah, betulkan balik. so, haritu dia tanya apa?

Me: Oh dia tanya soalan yg adk dah expected. but, still salah jawab. hehehe

Mama: adik banyak main la.. try serious sikit. janganlah macam ni..

Me: adik tak banyak main. ni first time kot internet salah bagi jawapan. hahaha

Mama: tak apalah. kalau ada rezeki insha Allah. sometimes, apa kita nak, kita tak dapat. berdoalah kat Allah supaya dipermudahkan. jangan masa susah je ingat dekat dia. masa senang lupa Dia. not good right. its ok la.. adik makan apa harini...?

Me: adik beli ayam, nasi and sayur la ma.

Mama: ayam je adik ni. ikan takde ke?

Me: ayam je yg murah hehehehe

Mama: iye la tu. sedangkan tak suka makan ikan. kan?

Me: hehehe tak la ma...

Mama: ok la. nanti mama call adik lagi ok. take care ye.

Me: ok mama. take care taw. nanti adik balik.

Mama: ok. balik naik tren je. sekejap je kan adik nak balik. 

Me: ya sekejap je. sebab next week tu exam dah.

Mama: ok adik. jaga diri taw.

Me: okay mama. Assalamualaikum

Mama: Waalaikummusalam.

actually, after talking to her, i felt so calm and my emotionless become faded. the only human that always available when i needed. my forever life support. even tho, sometimes i felt like she doesn't care about me, actually she just not sure how to show affection. i feel jealous with brothers because she gives all her attention to my bros. at some point, i envy but sometimes i just don't care.

since my dad passed away, i lost my place to bermanja. the only person that i love to be so childish. he always layan my mengada. even masa tu he's tired. its okay dad. i am grown up now. you don't need to worry anymore. i won't rely on person anymore. its just me and my family.

emosi

kenapa perempuan dan emosi ni macam tak boleh kita pisahkan... lelaki pun ada emosi tp kenapa lelaki lagi mudah nak handle emosi berbanding perempuan? sometimes, jadi perempuan ni susah juga. semua benda nak terasa hati walaupun benda tu mcm takde apa pun. tapi kenapa mesti nak terasa hati?

normal la kan perempuan menangis. marah. moody. tiber takde mood. tapi kalau kerap sgt mesti org menyampah. mcm mana pula dgn perempuan yg tak reti nak handle emosi? mesti teruk kan. idk. sometimes mcm aku je perempuan tu. but so far ok je kot...

apa aku merepek ni.

ok la bye

Hanoi~

sometimes, all i need is a place to express my feelings. dengan manusia macam tak puas. so i will write it here. kenapa terasa diri tu bagus sedangkan dia tak bagus. kenapa rasa diri tu tak bersalah, sedangkan diri tu dah terang-terang buat salah. kenapa nak kena bangkit balik isu yg dah bertahun lamanya. kenapa mesti nak cerita salah aku yg 3 tahun lepas? kau dah takde benda lain nak salahkan aku?

lepas tu kau nak tuduh aku keluar dgn orang asing and kau mcm nak ckp aku 'perempuan murahan'? apa maksud kau? keluar dgn kwn dikatakan perempuan murahan. mcm mana pula dgn kau? jumpa org yg sama dan kau flirt dgn dia? siap panggil baby bagai. tapi still nak pertahankan semua ni jd sebab aku dan kau dgn dia pun 'takde apa' 'takde feeling'. im not that stupid. aku dah bazir byk masa dekat kau. and aku benci kau sampai aku mati!

kau the only ex yg aku benci macam ni. tahniah. org kelantan mcm kau mmg bullshit. aku tak ckp semua org kelantan, aku ckp khas untuk kau! so kau boleh happy dgn org tu. idc. idgaf. u may go. dont ever comeback! aku benci kau! aku x nak ada kenangan dgn kau dah! 

kau ckp semua ni jd sebab salah aku sendiri, sedangkan aku nak tebus salah aku. and kau? bermain cinta dgn org lain dan dah jumpa dia lebih 3 kali. kalau dah panggil baby bagai, tak tahu la apa lg kau buat. kau bodoh kan aku sampai aku bg hati aku balik kat kau. and kau musnahkan mcm tu je. kau kejam! kau la manusia paling kejam pernah aku kenal.

aku berharap sangat, aku takkan jumpa kau dan sesiapa sahaja yg mengenali kau. kau minta aku peluang? berapa kali peluang dah aku bagi? kau nak heal end up kau cari orang lain dan kau dgn org yg sama sampai la hari kau kantoi. almost 3 month or myb more? bullshit. thanks for everything.

aku benci kau.

sumpah.